What makes a marriage last? Part 2

I married Robert April 9, 2003 in the Oklahoma City Temple. Because we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe that we were sealed together for not just this life, but for eternity. This, in part, was why that day was the most important and most beautiful, and most memorable day of my life.
The other parts of why it was the best day of my life was because I had finally found a partner that gave me all of the things that I needed. He brought out the best parts of me and encouraged and pushed me to become the best me that I could. He loved me and all the "crap" that came with me- no matter what. He had become my best friend. He wanted the same things out of life as me. We shared the same spiritual beliefs and we shared the same goals. He made me laugh and enjoy life again.
I know there are a lot of you out there that probably could say the same things about their husband/wife. So what happens to most married couples from the time you are married to today? Where do things go wrong?
Ironically, yesterday after I had started the first part of this post, I turned on the TV and found Oprah on. You won't guess what she was discussing on her show. Gary Neuman, a marriage counselor, was on her show discussing his new book out, ""Why Men Cheat." I know what you are thinking- why the heck did I watch that show? But he had some really interesting information that he shared and some great advice that I think would help marriage relationships before damage has already been done.

The following are some highlights that I thought were quite interesting from the show. You can go to www.oprahshow.com for more information.

"What's the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex. "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under appreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."
"Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife."Men have a winning mentality, Gary says. Just think about how the men in your life act while watching their favorite sports teams. "They love to win," Gary says. "Does he have ownership in the team? It looks like that. But as long as they're in the game, even to the very end, they'll watch. Once it's a blowout and they know their team can't win, television goes off. And what a lot of men will say to me through this research is, 'I just felt like I couldn't win.' Now they might not have been great guys to live with, I'm not saying it's her fault, again. But if you want to secure your relationship and understand and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they're winning with the things that they do for you." "Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."

When I was listening to this marriage counselor speak, I thought, "Oh my gosh, he is so right!" Just so everybody is clear- there has not been any cheating going on within my marriage! I'm not even specifically talking affairs. I'm just pointing out that when husband and/or wife feels a lack of respect, lack of interest, lack of showing affection and appreciation, there is a disconnection between the two. Where there is a disconnection, the marriage is going to suffer.

"The Lord has revealed that we are now living in the last days, even “the eleventh hour” (D&C 33:3), and we can easily see some of those prophesied conditions in our world, particularly with regard to marital relationships. A report from Rutgers University released in July 1999 summarized the current status of marriage in the United States. It seems readily apparent that many other countries are experiencing similar trends. The report said: “Key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage. Americans have become less likely to marry. When they do marry their marriages are less happy. And married couples face a high likelihood of divorce..."
"What would a marriage look like if it were built on the rock of Christ? The gospel offers many solid building stones. Following are a few of the principles to consider if we want to build on the sure foundation that will support not only present happiness but also lasting joy."

1. Keep the commandments Jesus Christ taught. A large number of marriages end because one or both spouses feel they are unhappy. How can people attain happiness in marriage? We are taught in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” that “happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” 3

2. Make marriage a high priority. Many occupational pursuits, outside interests, other concerns, and occasionally even Church activities and callings can relegate a spouse or a marriage to secondary status if we are not careful to arrange our priorities according to gospel principles. In 1831 the Lord revealed that we should keep marriage a high priority in our lives. He declared, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).

3. Practice frequent forgiveness and resolve conflicts quickly. Some believe that marriages are made in heaven, but it should be remembered that mortals choose their partners. Married people soon learn that their spouses, like themselves, have weaknesses and imperfections. For these and other reasons we have been admonished to forgive freely: “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother [or spouse] … standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all” (D&C 64:9–10).
4. Enjoy wholesome recreation to reduce stress.The proclamation on the family states that successful marriages and families are built on, among other things, “wholesome recreational activities.” When the early Saints were making the 1,300-mile (2,000-km) trek westward in 1847, the Lord admonished them to “praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing” along the way (D&C 136:28). One of President Young’s daughters recalled that he had taught: “Life is best enjoyed when time periods are evenly divided between labour, sleep and recreation. All men, women and children should labour; all must sleep; and if mental and physical balance is to be maintained, all people should spend one-third of their time in recreation which is rebuilding, voluntary activity—never idleness. ‘Eight hours work, eight hours sleep, and eight hours recreation’ was Brigham Young’s motto.” 7

By building on the foundation of the teachings of Jesus Christ, husbands and wives can make their marriages strong enough to withstand the trials and tribulations that come during turbulent times. We can avoid having our marriages “go on the rocks,” as so many now do, if we build on the Rock. “And now … remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; … a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall” (Hel. 5:12).

“As I have performed marriage ceremonies for young couples, I have talked with them about their future and the things that will go into building an increase of love. …

“First, I remind them to keep the covenants which they make as they are married.

“Second, addressing myself to the young man, I tell him to make her happy. If he will do all he can to make her happy, she cannot help but want to reciprocate and do everything she can for his comfort and welfare.

“Third, I stress the importance of clearing up any misunderstandings they may have. I remind them that it does not matter who is right, but what is right. …

“Fourth, and very important, I remind them to continue to love one another.”

All quotations from and article by President N. Eldon Tanner (1898–1982), First Counselor in the First Presidency, “Celestial Marriages and Eternal Families,” Ensign, May 1980, 17.

I know I am blessed to have my husband and my family. It has been good for me to reflect and remind myself what it is that I need to do daily to ensure that my marriage is right and that my family is together eternally. I know that in the end of this life, they are the only thing that I will be taking with me, so I better treat them with much care.